Dating after divorce
After seven years of marriage I found myself struggling with the after-math of an unexpected divorce. I was confused, lacking confidence in myself and in women. But, though I was devastated and damaged, I knew that if I didn’t start dating now I might not make that hurdle in the future. I dated around, meeting some who were damaged so severely they might be years before they can trust themselves with a date; others were giddy about our dates and sought midnight parties and late-night bowling alleys, which didn’t quite suit my single-dad life. Then I met HM.
She had qualities that interested me immediately: her intelligence, her nerdiness, her passion for literature and period drama, her religiosity and faith. All these made me very excited for our first date, and our second, and…
Soon things were serious, and I knew I was past the point of just getting interested. It was time to confront my fears and think about whether I was actually ready to consider marriage again. How could I trust a woman again? How could I have been so wrong about my first marriage, and what could grant me confidence in another?
Gaining Confidence
That question of confidence took front-and-center as our relationship reached that critical stage of considering a life together. Thanksgiving was a success, and she seemed compatible with my family (including my children). But it was something else that began to inspire confidence in longer-term concerns.
As I came to know some of the major parts of her life, I became aware that she had for several years been involved with a program called “Wife for Life,” which included university-style classes and a book. Intrigued by the program and what it indicated about this woman, I acquired the Audible version of the book and would listen to it during my commutes to our dates and to my children. I kept my reading of Wife for Life a secret for a while; I wanted to observe her practice when she didn’t think I might be trying to grade her. But what I found was more than appealing.
… for Life
The material of Wife for Life centers on the well-being of the woman, with the first chapter of the book advocating the virtues of the Pioneer Woman: a woman with strength, independence, and industry. The point is that only women in such a position of strength and confidence can move forward to the next stages of a fulfilling married life with true intimacy. After all, you can’t be vulnerable with others if you are preoccupied with shielding your own wounds or insecurities. That much most definitely applied to me every bit as much as any woman. I found myself with a wealth of perspective with which to appreciate HM’s confidence and her attentiveness to self-maintenance and self-awareness. And, after all the interest I’d had from the beginning, this began to address my long-term fears.
Another major theme of Wife for Life is that men and women are profoundly different creatures, with different motivations, aptitudes, fears, strengths, and weaknesses. The program is concerned with helping women to adjust to, compensate for, encourage, and guide their companions. One of the questions that struck my mind even before I heard it echoed by others was, “Won’t the man feel like I’m trying to manipulate him?” But the thing that really struck me about that idea was the fact that I did not at all share that concern: it isn’t manipulation if we both share the goal of a rewarding, loving, and secure long-term relationship. The latter part of the title, “for Life,” is just what we both want – and realizing we shared that desire was what I needed to make the decision that I would try this marriage thing again, once and for all, with this striving, pioneering, loving woman by my side.